This is a post to send my feelings into the void. This is not a pity post or an attention-seeking post. It's simply a post that I need to write for myself.
Anyone who knows Parker and I knows how happy we are together. And like any happy couple, we want to bring more happiness into our lives by way of a baby.
I've been baby hungry for as long as I can remember, but as soon as Parker and I were married the feeling kicked into overdrive. After many discussions, we decided it would be wisest to wait to try until I was 9 months from graduating college. That was nearly five months ago.
I have a condition called "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome" or PCOS. Women with my condition have a hard time conceiving, and once they do, 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriages. There are other very scary, very real statistics that I won't go in to. But we wanted a baby so we decided to try any way.
Two weeks ago I went to the doctor who gave me a prescription for Clomid, a medication to help women ovulate. 80% of women who take it ovulate and 45% of those become pregnant within 6 months. (If you aren't pregnant within 6 months of taking Clomid you have to stop taking it because it seriously increasing the risk of ovarian cancer). I was so excited. Parker was too. The only thing is, you have to wait until a certain time in your cycle to begin taking it. I haven't reached that point. I don't know when I will again. It could be another month.
So this week I began seriously thinking about adoption. It's expensive and takes a long time, but we really want a family and don't care if they're genetically ours. I talked to Parker and we were on the same page: when I graduated and we were in a better place financially we would apply to be adoptive parents. It sounds funny, but I was more excited by this than by Clomid. Probably because I knew we would get a baby, even if it took a long time. With my own body, it may never happen (though we will keep trying).
Then I went to church today. Two women very similar to me in age and time being married are pregnant. They didn't talk to me, but I could hear them talking about morning sickness and blood sugar and doctors appointments. I could see the way their husbands looked at them. I suddenly felt overwhelmingly sad. I had to leave to go into the bathroom and cry before sacrament meeting began.
The thought that I may never be able to relate to the majority of women made me feel so isolated and lonely. I'm still excited about adopting. We had plans to even if we could get pregnant. I just felt alone. I still feel alone. I still feel sad and that at any moment I could break into tears.
Some of you may feel I'm being dramatic. After all, it's only been five months that we've been trying. And it's true. It has only been five months. There's still a long road ahead in which we can try to have a baby. I just feel discouraged. I have taken herbal supplements, vitamins, changed my diet, and all to help me give Parker a baby. Please don't judge me, readers. I know I'm being petty and selfish. But at the moment it's all I have the energy to be. I'll be happy again tomorrow.
